Love Advice: Love the one you are with

This is such a hard concept for many men and on behalf of men I would like to apologize to all the women, who as Akon said in one of his songs - "Put up with all the bullshit." If you are truly head over heels in live with your significant other, you will not look for love else where.

When I was still in College, it seemed all of my guy friends had driven their relationships into the ground over cheating on their girlfriends. Most were good girls that did nothing to deserve it. Once a friend of mine said "It's all good to cheat on your girlfriend, just cannot do it when you are married." That sentence is half correct. Soon thereafter I began to question the character of many people I hung out with and called my "friends." Relationships are hard work and need constant care and attention. I liken it to a plant, without proper care (water and sunlight) the plant will die, much like a relationship without proper care (love, kindness, respect, patience, understanding, open communication, I could go on and on, lol). Love the one you are with and if you don't show her the respect she deserves.

Remember the Golden Rule

In a relationship it is always easy to breeze on through when things are going great, but that is not the case when you have to endure the rough spots. The past few days have been one of those times. Not so much in my romantic relationship, but in my dealings with others. As I drove home from work yesterday, I thought about how my patience, respect and understanding had been tested constantly through out the day. It all started with an extremely rude customer service representative at a xerox shop and ended with a disrespectful cashier at a local gas station. Growing up we are always taught the golden rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated.

In our relationship with our significant other, occasionally our patience, respect and understanding is tested in any disagreements or heated arguments that we might have. During these times we need to exercise our mind muscles and not so much our mouth muscles. Reacting to someones behavior could have drastic consequences. In past relationships, if I had practiced a bit of patience, thought with understanding and spoke with respect I would not have driven a wedge between myself and the other person.

The holidays are a busy time, both mentally and physically. Shoppers are annoyed because they may not be able to get all of their shopping done and have to stand in long lines. On the other end, service workers are having to deal with 10 times the amount of customers that they are used to. The holidays should be a time of joy not hurt. Instead of being quick to react, I ask that we all practice a bit of patience, think with understanding and speak with respect.

Little known ways to put the spark back in your love life!

Time and time again we may fall into the monotony of our day to day ritual. After a while, this repetitive routine of work, television and sleep may put a damper on our love lives. Here are just some ways to keep that fire burning... Set up a date night a few nights a month, where the kids (if you have any) go to a babysitter or to a relative overnight. Surprise your significant other by taking them out to lunch. Write him/her a poem or a song if you are musically inclined. Write him/her a love letter. Hand deliver flowers. Get his/her favorite movie to watch at home. Call just to say "I love you." Mail a romantic card to him/her. Leave love notes in the bathroom or in the car for him/her to find.

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To Reconcile or Not to Reconcile

To Reconcile or Not to Reconcile...Reconciliation is something that needs to be carefully considered. I am all for it, if the issues that brought about the separation have been resolved. For example, has a change been made that was needed to move on and create a healthier atmosphere? Did the time and space allow you both to appreciate each other more? Are you in couples therapy to help with the problems you had?

People separate for different reasons. Maybe they needed their own space and time, maybe there is a jealousy issue, maybe there was an affair involved. Whatever the case is, reconciling should come about and be agreed upon by both people. You should reunite with an even stronger bond, otherwise the issues in the past may start to wear it down again. Too many times I have heard, "Well we are getting back together for the kid's sake" or "He will change, he said he will." We need to "show" not "tell" people the change we are going to make. It is true that actions speak louder than words. And if you are honest and truly want to make your relationship work then "show" it.

Response to In Limbo

Dear In Limbo,

It sort of sounds like you may be the rebound girl. No, you are the rebound girl. He was in a relationship and now is not and avoids the conversation of dating exclusively. While he may be interested, he might not be ready to get back on the horse. Not going out in public and calling late or at odd times equals the rebound girl. He wants the closeness of being with someone without the drama. There is a reason why he is single again. I would try asking him what happened in his last relationship that ended it. If he shares, then that can give you some insight into what he needs to move on. It is also a good sign that he opening up to you. If not, then he might just need some space and time to get some closure. If you are willing to wait it out and take the chance they might get back together and cause you some unwanted hurt, then by all means go ahead. Other wise keep looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now.

Ryan

In Limbo

Ryan,

I have known this guy for a while now. At least a few years. I first met him because we worked together. At the time he had a girlfriend and we would talk and flirt back and forth, but nothing more. We kept in contact on and off through the years and he is now single. We talk on the phone, and he seems like he likes me and wants to date, but he only calls when its convenient (which is late in the evening) and we rarely go out in public. Once we went to a bar, but it was a hole in the wall type place. I want something more, but when I try to bring it up he avoids the conversation. What should I do?

Signed,

In Limbo

The 10 second decision

I heard something on the radio the other day that has been on my mind. I am sure you all have heard about the 10 second decision. If not, here it is...When a guy first meets a girl, he will decide in 10 seconds if she is either marriage material (long term) or not (one night stand). Don't be a victim in this situation. If you get a vibe that he is only looking for one thing, then go with your gut instinct, it's probably right, there a lot of guys out there. A lot of guys will do and say things just to get what they want. If you sense that he is not being sincere, then run for the hills! Here are seven tips to help you along: 1.) He is willing to take your number but won't give you his. 2.) Tries to use a cheesy pick up line. 3.) Is secretive about any questions you ask him. 4.) Exaggerates about his line of work. Says: I'm a waste management consultant, Truth: Garbage man. 5.) Lies and says the female he is with is not his girlfriend, but his sister. 6.) Won't let you come to his house. 7.) Takes off his wedding band while he talks to you.

Self Reflection

When you are wrong, just admit it. Say I am sorry and move on. This will save you hours of arguing. Unfortunately I had to learn this the hard way. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in the "I feel this way" or I feel that way" that we often times forget to take a look at ourselves and put ourselves in someone else's shoes. Self reflection is something that many of us hate to do, but if we intend on having any type of healthy relationship with any one, we need to constantly keep it in check. I believe there is always room for improvement. Maybe we get mad too easily, maybe we don't listen enough, maybe we take people for granted. What ever the case may be, remember that we are not alone in this world. All the things we do affect other people, whether we believe it or not.

"The Breakup"...How did we get here?

I know I should have listened to the cashier at the video store when she said that if you had been through a divorce or bad break up, this movie (The Break Up) will be like reliving it. While it is filled with actors and actresses noted for their comedic work, the film follows the lives of two people who started off so in love, but ended up taking each other for granted. One more so than the other. A line in the movie that I have uttered and I am sure many who have been in a similar situation have as well was, "How did we get here?" We see them emotionally brutalize each other through vengeful and hurtful acts. With their words and actions, they ruin any type of chance of repairing their relationship. They were both feeling and thinking the same things, but let their egos get in the way. Instead of saying what they felt they were silent, instead of saying what they should have, they got revenge. In the end it was too late. But maybe not for the rest of us.

We all have been in relationships that did not work. Regrets over what we have said or done. I should have done this or that differently. Women like to talk things out, men like to ignore the issue and hope it goes away. These type of oil and water personalities can be over come. My advice to guys is to say what you really mean. Never say anything out of anger, never say something just because you are jealous. For women, avoid the head games and be truthful. We are not mind readers. You can either be right and single or wrong and married, but you can't be both. Sometimes in order for us to be right, we have to be wrong. When you have two people who are stubborn and have to be right, there has to be some sort of compromise. Other wise you will find yourself asking "How did we get here?"

Why men are stupid...

Well that sure got your attention. Many times, a male's lack of conversation with his significant other is seen as boredom in the relationship or simply not caring. "What are you thinking about?" She asks, my wise ass reply would go something like "Well if I wanted you to know, I would be talking now don't ya think." To save myself the hour long verbal attack that would follow I usually would just say "Nothing." See ladies, that's the truth, nothing. When a guy is watching TV and you ask him something like that, you might want some profound answer when really we are thinking about "Nothing." We simply want to see who is getting invited to the Heisman ceremony, who is in the BCS bowl games and what the night's scores were. This little word, has gotten me into so many, too many arguments. Which brings me to the topic of this post - conversation.

If you have ever sat down and watched two men interact you would be amazed at how little is said or the amount of substance in the actual conversation. You see we communicate with a grunt, slight "mmhmm" or a head nod. Take my best friend for example, it is usually a one sided conversation (me), when there is any at all. We have been best friends for so long (15 years) that he knows when to probe or to let me steam. He knows what to say to make me more upset or what will make me think more rationally. And I can tell you that he can do it in a sentence or two, if that. Sometimes this lack of communication is interpreted as not caring at all. I remember one particular fight I had with an ex, which went on and on about how I did not even try or care any more becuase I had not responded. The truth of the matter was that I did care and in the moment, I was running so emotionally high, that I knew if I opened my mouth it would turn into verbal diarrhea and serve only to exacerbate the whole thing. Pursing my lips and nodding my head had been interpreted by my ex as me saying "I hate you, this conversation is done." When in fact it meant I had conceded defeat, that I was wrong. You see, many men would like to respond, given the chance, just lots of times we just don't know how to put it into words without making our partners more upset. Ladies we do care, give us the benefit of the doubt. We are not stupid, most times "Nothing" means "Nothing."

Response to "Am I not girlfriend material?"

Dear Confused in Paradise, First of all, is this someone that you can see yourself with in the long haul? You mentioned that he is cheating on his girlfriend with several women, that in itself should be a warning sign of things to expect should you pursue it. What you need to do is move out and ween yourself off this unhealthy addiction you have to him. Guys like this are usually self-centered and need to be the focus in the relationship. My guess is that most of the conversations you have with him are usually one-sided or him-sided. You are filling a specific role in his life that is not getting attended to by the many other women he is involved with. The less time you spend with him, the easier it will get. It may get to the point where you might have to stop hanging out with him all together. Good men are out there, you just have to keep your chin up and keep looking. Ryan

10 Signs your relationship might be in danger

1.) He is secretive when you ask about his day. 2.) He starts avoiding your phone calls and/or does not return messages. 3.) You find yoursleves arguing about the smallest things. 4.) Your conversations are short or non-existent. 5.) He finds other things to do instead of spending time with you. 6.) He starts spending most of his time with his friends. 7.) He gets extremely jealous. 8.) He accuses you of cheating. 9.) He constanly forgets anniversaries. 10.) You catch him cheating on you.

Am I not girlfriend material?

Dear Ryan, I recently moved to Hawaii where I was pursuing a job. A friend of mine was already living there and offered me a place to stay. I already had some feeling for him and it only got worse when we started living together. We do everything together (even though he has a girlfriend) and a lot of people often comment that we are like an old married couple. I cook dinner for us after work, he calls me just to say "hello" and we work out together on the weekends, among other activities. He has a steady girlfriend, whom he cheats on constantly, but my feelings for him have gotten much stronger. I am stuck in a rut and have tried dating other guys, but find myself thinking about him the whole time. Help! Signed, Confused in Paradise